It was hardly a marriage at all... Not with all the technicalities and the less frequent times they had sex as married couples.
Can the wife really tell if their marriage is bound to fail with their boring sex life?
Maybe because they never had children to begin with. His wife tried so hard to conceive but 2 miscarriages within that period were enough to put her to misery. And so it was downhill for them.
He loves her wife. He feels all the guilt. And every time he ends his rendezvous with Mona, it all starts to feel down and low.
His wife came from a known family of the south. When he proposed, there was already a house waiting for them. His wife’s family provided all that was needed. Money will never be an issue in their marriage.
But Alex wanted a life of their own. He wanted to begin a family away from his wife’s fortune. He also wanted his wife, not the woman who wallowed over lost children.
When he saw Mona in the restaurant making arrangements, a surge of attraction and a vague emotion flowed. And the very first night they made love, it was an affirmation of what was missing in his life.
There she was, 38 years old, surrendering to him. An accomplished businesswoman, a single mother, an effervescent spirit. It was power that started it all, perhaps control that was found reborn.
He would hold her hips as he made himself into her. She would anchor herself in the stylized headboard. He heard her wanting more than the great flesh that entered her vagina. It was complete helplessness.
The flirting was enough of a foreplay. He recalled the way she slipped her hand inside the burgeoning part of his trousers. He has seen the eyes of a woman who needed him, wanted him. And when his finger ran the hollowness of flesh between her magnificent breast, he owned her. She gave a knowing smile, she arched her head backwards, she let his tongue line the mildly scented stretch of her neck. She slightly resisted as he removed her hand from his pants and placed it on her moist groin. He was always on top of everything.
But 15 minutes ago, he let her lead the game. He let her see him for the first time.
Alex watched her as she slipped into the little black dress she had over their celebration dinner. She owns the best, wonderfully shaped legs he’s ever seen, he thought.
But more importantly, Alex saw the woman he has come to appreciate. The woman who stood by him and let him lived the life he had only dreamed of. With Mona, he was himself, charting the directions of their life. He finally understood why there was surrender, in the first place. Why love comes to those who finally succumb to compromise.
Mona used to think that Alex’s decision to keep his wife has never been easy and never that simple. The odds were against her: she was separated, he was married; he was younger with a bright future, in a few years time, she would be in menopause.
Yes, she surrendered to Alex because she loves him. In fact, she let men control her life. But again, decisions have to be realized. She would be making the choice not only as a mother, but also as a woman.
She will never be his other woman anymore.
He will never be the other woman from this day on.
She’s leaving him for good. She will tell him when they get to the car.
Simply Red's FAIRGROUND: "And I love the thought of coming home to you, even if I know we can't make it..."
POSTSCRIPT
Alex was silent as he made his way home. He would not be expecting his wife. She must have left after their talked before he left for dinner. It was over for them, that he made her understand.
It was also over for him and Mona. He tried but failed to saved their relationship. He knew Mona too well to reason with her.
It will be a long drive home for Alex.
For Mona, the decision was never easy. But it was that simple.
For the very first time, he came while she was on top. She felt, at that moment, an unknown emancipation. She looked at his face like the first day she saw him. Serene, fragile, yet loomed with mystery. He was gentle, strangely. His hands, as they moved to cup her full breast, felt like a gentle lap of lake water.
It wasn’t like their usual position where he would enter her from behind. This time, she was making fast, rhythmic lifts as she spread herself on top of him. Her hips made a circling movement as she allowed his grown, a little flushed genitalia inside her. And at last, she has finally seen how it all climaxed for him: eyes closed, a bit in his lower lip, a faint moan.
Her head lays silent over Alex’s sinewy arms. She seems unmindful of the darkly lit room as her mind wanders over the past 6 months of her life. To Mona, it has been a wonderfully lived adventure. A stark contrast to a life she has withstood for the past 14 years.
The day before, she had a rather strange yet comforting conversation with her daughter. Not the usual ranting over cigarettes left unattended in their living room or the almost empty bottle of brandy hidden among vegetables in their fridge, or the dislike her daughter has for the kind of man Alex was.
Her daughter was actually talking sense to her.
“I just want you to know mom, that despite our differences, I just want you to be happy.” The daughter said.
She did not say anything. In response, she gave a smile that was enough to convey her gratitude. The smile that hid her understanding of her daughter’s sensibility.
Somehow it amazes her how things have turned out after her husband left her for another woman a year ago. She thought it would destroy her daughter who worshipped her father. But it was the daughter that carried her throughout the process.
Their relationship was a vision of architecture in progress. The constant construction of their love and the depreciation of their differences formed a solid blueprint of reasons why they need to move out of a painful past.
And then there was Alex.
She gave a smile as she lift her head to see how he was. Her daughter was right, her happiness was found wanting before he came. He was all the man that any woman would ever need.
He is a consummate artist of the culinary arts. At 27, he must have the world in his hands. A sous chef of one of Cebu’s most expensive restaurants, distinct features which remind you of the aristocrats of the Hispanic regime. His humor, enough to set fire to a saddened soul.
And yet, Alex seemed to be going nowhere.
He was aimlessly looking at the television. The morning news told him that they had spent nearly 7 hours in this room. The night before was actually their 6th month.
It also marked the 2nd year of a difficult marriage.
To be concluded
Simply Red's YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW: "You taught me how to live again..."
His voice, though we were miles apart, was a palpable sound of forlorn. I wouldn’t be surprised if it had been somebody else. But the deep, modulated Ilonggo accent gave away JM’s strange yet familiar sadness.
The unnecessary change became relevant when he decided to pursue Gomez. It was very characteristic of JM. Even back in college, his determination was laudable.
And yet again, this was a different playing field. Though one might say that he has been to different, even more fragile relationships, this pursuit was as murky as the skies covered in nimbus.
Gomez is straight. He has been introduced to JM through a former textmate. From then on blossomed nearly four months of relationship textured with hope and pretences.
Two distinct words I would like you to consider to qualify my claim that this is a rather unusual situation for JM:
Straight – a.(n. person, heterosexual) ; in the new order of George Michael, straight men are those exclusively dating girls; they may have associations with gay men, but they don’t have sexual encounters or emotional intimacy with them.
For 10 years that I have known him, there was never an instance JM got involved with a heterosexual. You would always see him with discreet gay men - the “people like us” (PLU) crowd. With PLUs, you could at least hope of a possible romance devoid of many inconveniences.
Let’s face some facts here: straight men can never give gays the kind of love & attention demanded of them. Such can only be measured with financial matters laid on the table.
That arrangement is not expected from PLUs.
Textmate - n. cyberfriend; almost always, it leads to an “eyeball” and everything starts from there; the new order has multiple look on this though: a textmate is a possible boyfriend or another fuckbuddy, a one night stand, or a possible friendship.
Gomez, I could say, fell into the first category: a boyfriend material. And so JM thought. I could never blame him. As per JM’s annotations, Gomez was your poster boy BF material – good looking, crooning songs he made for JM, phone calls till the wee hours of the morning, and saying the hyped, deal-breaker: “I love you.”
To completely put your trust to someone you hardly know, whose only visual evidence was a sent MMS & long phone conversations - it was the most unlikely manner JM would build a budding relationship.
JM wouldn’t go for this absurdity if he did not see a future with Gomez. When he asked him if there will be a chance for them, Gomez answered in a rather rhetorical manner: “what will you do if there is?”
For somebody who hopes for a good love, this is almost perfect. Lines like these are glossies to any Julia Roberts romance movie.
But this isn’t a movie. And is hardly a love story.
JM was in obvious exasperation. But I pushed him to spill what bothered him. And maybe this was all he needed: a force to put equilibrium to his already disoriented state.
Gomez proved to be a thousand personalities all concocted to create an illusion of grandeur. His name was unknown to the hospital he said he was working as an OR nurse. Now, JM wasn’t even sure if indeed it was Gomez he saw on MMS.
He also disclosed about a certain woman who claimed to be Gomez’s wife. The woman has been disturbing JM saying her “husband’s” sexual preference has been dubious. That Gomez was out to use him. More importantly, the woman knew about the many important things JM and Gomez shared – like important packages and passwords to an email address.
Gomez denied the girl’s existence. Worst, he simply refused to recognize that there was indeed threat to their so-called relationship.
Bamboo's TRUTH:"Let's not forget, you kept me waiting..."
POSTSCRIPT
My friend is giving Gomez a chance. JM has his reasons. And I trust his sensibilities.
I have always admired JM in so many ways. He is passionate about life. He has faith in love. He knows how to value the roles of personalities that come to his life.
I see no end yet to this precarious circumstance. But certainly, JM doesn’t deserve this. The truth, no matter how painful, needs to surface.
We had our very first lunch out after what seemed to be an eternity of separation. The gathering was realized to celebrate the 14th birthday of our youngest, Janica, at the famed original Chicken House at Lacson Street.
For my family, it was a huge feat. This was the longest time that I’ve stayed in Negros after leaving in 2001. My father was home for his usual one-week base off. My sister Joann wasn’t working anymore but rather tended to the needs of her daughter. Mama was in a jubilant mood after our 1984 Suzuki van got the necessary repair (although we have to take the taxi after it gave in to engine failure a few kilometers off my hometown).
I consider myself the “passive” member of the family. I have turned to my pressure-stricken academic life during my school years so I could keep my scholarships. Becoming an “introvert” of family affairs, alien to any attachment except for Mama.
I was never the usual jovial person whenever I’ m home. Although my friends at school and at work would react adversely to that. I have developed the habit of pouring out any emotional baggages outside. At home, I am expected to be stern and formal. After all, I am the eldest and the scholar.
My sisters were on their toes whenever I’m around. I would never crack a joke or join the festivities set up by Papa. My mind wasn’t programmed to be a part of such.
I only “spoke” to Papa after I started earning my own money. When I finally understood him. We do have the expected father-and-son chat. But it was all confined to school. It wasn’t my father’s fault, I must say. He never failed to reach out. I just don’t know how to connect with him (before).
Mama was made of a different thread. Our relationship was the gentle handwoven design of a malong – so intricate, sublimely stunning. I am a Mama’s boy, one might say.
But the belated birthday luncheon over delicious chicken inasal was a departure from any other family meals. Our laughter was real. My laughter, for a fact, was liberating. A genuine freedom from all the baggages and chains that kept me from sharing a good laugh with my sisters, with my parents. I was myself. I could almost cry from the searing joy of being with my family. At last…
Sitti's: HEY LOOK AT THE SUN: "It's finally shining on my life."
POSTSCRIPT
Every 3 minutes, I would sing a happy birthday song to my sister. It sounded like the coda of the popular tune. And Papa would continue it by singing: “How old are you?”
Then we all laughed-out-loud.
We would all pick on our niece as she tried so hard to get noticed. It would end up by her complete surrender - hiding her head under the table out of shame.
Bacolod inasal was at their usual tasty best that high noon October 29. Evidently complementing the lifted spirits of the family gathered around it.
It’s my 50th blog. It’s been 48 stories of love lost and found, sex and the hopeless, and one poem of my aspirations of becoming a “better man”.
I’ve been gone for quite sometime. And contrary to comments on my chat box, I have no lovelife. I’m sorry Qatar! I’m still conspicuously single. But that’s another story.
And now my ambitious project has finally come to fruition. I’ve thought of this since I posted my 37th blog. What better way to commemorate my first 50 on blogosphere is to give recognition to the best. And believe me, it was really one great time re-reading blogs. So I came up with a list of the best posts of my favorite bloggers.
I believe 14 is the new 10. It’s just my thing. Actually, I do like Johnny Abarientos (I’m all for Alaska; don’t you just love Jojo Lastimosa’s calves?) and I adore Charlene Gonzalez (she was # 14 during the 1994 Binibining Pilipinas).
I only have one criteria. The blog should “say something worth saying and is well said”. This quote came from a Filipino artist associated with the movie industry. And it also applies to what I believe to be the 14 BEST READS, so far...
The Brain:Zherwin Quote:"i may not be the most ideal boyfriend, but you always makes me feel like i am one." The Thing: Hottie Zherwin whips a two part celebration of his 100th blog chronicling his beginnings up to his photoblogging days. But the love letter to his beloved took the spotlight. Lucky girl! One should revisit his Semikal post for a shot of his changing looks. And did I say he’s hot?
The Brain:Atticus Quote:"Am I insulted by my age? No. However, I am insulted if it is used as a weapon against me: I hate finding myself in the company of a nitwit." The Thing: This esteemed journalist from PCIJ has a thought for those who use age to get ahead of the battle. I always picture her smiling even if she writes a lecture on TV reporters (Anong klaseng script yan?, 07 August 19). For a take on optimism, read Positive (07 July 09) and feel her undeniable charm when it comes to good writing.
The Brain: Gypsy Quote:"1. Don’t be too choosey! (Hmm…shouldn’t I be, since we’re talking about “till death do us part?”)" The Thing: How’s Englatera, my dear? I am single (hopefully not forever) so I could really relate on this post. And I just have to shove this to assuming couples who want a piece of good notes for singles (yes, Singleguy, you’re on my side!).
The Brain:Aryo Quote:"Yes, I am a certified islander, or as some would derisively call us, a “taga-puro”. The term usually means being backward, insinuating that we belong to a lesser civilization. But who cares?" The Thing: For a first post, this was a good read. The narrative on his hometown was a sweet tribute. Aryo’s descriptive words on Capul Island could very well pass for a travel advisory. And he puts his heart on it.
The Brain: Isko B. Do Quote:"It dawned on me while the famished actor was moaning in pleasure that I've been suckered. This is M2M or male to male action. That bastard! No wonder I didn't particularly like him. What did I do? Well, I was already there and the two actors seemed to like licking each other very much and it would be rude to stop them, and I was mildly curious. So…" The Thing: A man’s note of the unexpected. Okay, he is straight and writing about his gayporn movie experience and the other things he “discovered” was interesting and funny. Steamy and a little tease. I wouldn’t be surprised if gay bloggers will start searching for the author!
The Brain:Regal Shocker Quote:"we often would have grammatical exercises every now and then. and these were her sample statements: - i (insert verb here) sausage and eggs for breakfast - my boyfriend was playing with my kitten earlier." The Thing: I don’t know about him but I do have great respect and love to my grade school teachers. This hilarious take on his childhood education was more of an ode to malice and misunderstood words. But Regal Shockers humor was addicting. For more laughs, read My Brother Is Not A Pig... He's Just Morbidly Obese.
The Brain:Ipanema Quote:"Perhaps I am just afraid of change. Inevitable, it eats me up just thinking. Perhaps this is the reason of my exhaustion complaints. I have a few more months left to decide." The Thing: This is a complete departure from her usual photo hunt and commentaries on world affairs and issues. I always see her posts as tough and unrelenting. She trulydeserves the thinking blogger award she received. It feels like Meryl Streep defenses down on Devil Wears Prada. Such a wonderful thought on the uncertainty of life ahead and how our decisions affect it.
The Brain: Annamanila Quote:"Before you know you are old, you hear it from others." The Thing: Her first of the two blogs that made it to my list of best. A grandmother’s look on being on that certain “age” was funny and honest. The conversation on the supermarket got to my nerve. I could have bashed on that sales lady. But the post makes us understand that age should be welcomed. Refusing to recognize it will not make us any younger.
The Brain:Japs Quote: "My 8 or 9-year-old mind could not establish the connection between "Singer" and "sewing" and thought that maybe for some people, like my stand-in grandmother, the annoying clang-clang of the machine's wheel was music to their ears." The Thing: As always, Japs never ran out of good stories to tell. And he always does it with finesse and subtlety. And yet, his social commentaries should never be overlooked in every story. Such as the steeringly smooth narrative of her stand-in grandma who helped rear his character.
The Brain: Jin Quote:"For a country that gives a lot of importance in education, the data doesn’t meet its expectation. We can always hear parents say that the education of their children is the only legacy or inheritance that they can provide them." The thing: I always leave social issues to the likes of Major Tom (Citizen On Mars) and Ipanema (Under The Canopy). Reason why you will never read a post on current events here on my blog. One of the best commentaries on Philippine education was by my high school friend, and ECE Top 2 board placer Jinoe who’s simple, non-preachy approach was an effective assault on our ever depreciating system. Although I really thought the post was about Gael Garcia Bernal’s sexual awakening movie: “Bad Education”.
The Brain: Aramislies Quote:"Al leans closer to the monitor and we read the search results silently. I look at him, my lips almost touching his face and I smell the sweat on his neck and I know the scent because I gave a bottle of imitation CK One..." The Thing: Arguably the best written, gay-themed post I’ve ever read. I couldn’t help but admire the blogger’s sensitivity to emotional details without presumption. It is just too bad he hasn’t written any post after his debut. Such a breeze of fresh air. If you’re reading this, please continue writing.
3. Meet My Ex(Inside The Mind Of A Single Guy, 06 September 23)
The Brain: Singleguy Quote:"People often ask me about my marriage, my ex-wife , why we never had kids and why it ended in separation (Not a painful one though)." The Thing: First, my congratulations to Snugz (don’t hate me for calling you this! LOL!) for his honesty. I have actually a different favorite blog from him (Guitar Man) but this just have to climb up my top 3 favorite. It was the first time I got a peek of his lovelife. And all my posts on my exes didn’t come close to his revelation. I just would like to ask, how did she take this post?
The Brain:Japs Quote:"Edmar is the kind of Pinoy you don't want the other races to base their Flip stereotype on. It's not good to judge the book by its cover, but a couple of amateur tattoos can tell you a lot about the person." The Thing: My friend, this has to be your best work. Ever. Japs did not waste a sentence on this comedy of a fellow OFW who tries so hard to fit in desert life. “Edmar” appears on his several succeeding posts as an ally or the antagonist of a conversely funny situation. Edmar finally surfaces on a farewell blog to Japs’ officemate (Care For..., 07 August 21). More importantly, “Edmar” and his adventures represent the plight of many Filipinos abroad who just wanted to make ends meet for their families. And my dear, he is not bad-looking at all… and yes, Rex Navarette will have a great punchline on him.
The Brain: Annamanila Quote:"I did not have any illusions about marriage. No big expectations from my husband." The Thing: I remembered comparing this story on the writing style of Anne Tyler. A more subtle, emotional Anne Tyler. I got my inspiration on telling stories about the love and lives of people dear to me from this beautiful, liberating notes on a woman’s journey towards finding herself amidst a difficult relationship. Read this again, my friends. You will understand my superlatives.
BAD EDUCATION: Gael Garcia Bernal (swimming) of the Y Tu Mama Tambien fame
POSTCRIPT
My congratulations to everyone!
You just don’t know how these stories help my understanding of the varied situations you have narrated.The awards lack a logo for that matter. I just don’t have the talent for that. Qatar, help out on the logo please! LOL! Thanks daan! (Pressure ito!)
This post originally appeared on my Friendster blog dated January 11, 2007. I WILL WHEN I'M FULLY RECOVERED was written for an old love who was the very reason why FOOLED BY A SMILE was created. (The things you do when you have a broken heart. LOL!)
A month after writing this, P came into my life.
Understand that I am in repair.
In as much as I would like to hold you now and show you what I truly feel, I will have to find time to recuperate.
It takes awhile, I know. So while on my way to recovery, have patience. It is never easy. I have my moments of remission. I still give in. Especially when our time together comes flashing by my mind, I will be longing for it to return.
Unbearable, wanting.
Everything seems to take forever. I know this too shall pass. And as I make my way back to find myself, I am scared that I might lose you along the way. That I might never recognize you anymore.
And so I ask you to bear with me. I will be with you, in time. And finally forgive myself, and forgive you.. when I'm fully recovered.
John Mayer's IN REPAIR
POSTCRIPT
P and I stopped talking after two months of "cohabitation". I have written several posts about our torned experience. We have severed ties since then. It almost destroyed us.
Recently, I received an email from him. It was a reconciliatory letter. My friends were quite divided on how I should deal with him. I didn't bother answer his email. I could not find a word to say. ACtually, there is nothing to say.
I actually prepared a piece for him entitled "UNFORGIVING" but for some technical reason (or Divine intervention), I couldn't get it posted.
I believe this is a much better response. The Good Lord has better plans.
Healing, indeed, will come at the right time. Verns and Ipanema were right on target about that.
And now, on the eve of my 50th blog, I am re-posting a piece from my friendster blog which appropriately describes how I feel today.
To my friends in the blog community and in my own circle, THANK YOU for your support. This is a very different and difficult time for me.
